Do you ever sit back and remember your life way back? Way back when beatings were the order of the day ? When you broke your own personal record if you went three days without a beating from your mum or your teacher? When you knew trees served a greater purpose than just being used in the manufacture of chairs? Well maybe you didn’t, but I did. Well you see… I was what modern parents would call a problem child, and what my mum saw as a personal challenge. In a way, I made sure she never grew fat. How could she with all the constant aerobics she got while thrashing the shit out of me? But most of all I remember my primary school life. The constant horror and the prospect of getting a beating at any moment for almost no reason whatsoever from the teachers. I swear these people beat us for sport.
My school life started in a public school. Back when you paid school fees to be there. And there was an event at the end of the term, known as kufunga na mtu. Todays’ kids will never really know what that is. And no it does not mean helping each other to close doors or anything remotely close to that . So for all you cool kids out there reading this as you eat you 15th hotdog since morning and wondering what the hell I am talking about, I will try and break it down to you as much as I possibly can: As kids, conflicts were unavoidable. Fights were the order of the day. You earned your place in the Kingdom of whatever class you were in through sweat and blood ( haha okay not literally, us kids didn’t know how to throw proper punches back then so bleeding almost never happened, but you get the point). We literally had a hierarchy from the most feared guy in the class to the class pussy who to put it simply… had an exceptionally hard life. You didn’t mess with the guy at the top of the hierarchy, not unless you had little or no value for both your dental formula and your general facial structure.
So back to kufunga na mtu. Let’s assume you are you (What I’m I even saying? Of course you are you). You are rated quite poorly on the class hierarchy of warriors. Generally speaking, not many a folk in class are afraid of you. Then you accidentally or intentionally do something stupid. Something like say… call Oginda, that huge guy who is rated second in class just below Mato, mbwa wewe. What does he do? He looks at you, with kind loving eyes, comes to you with open arms and gives you a loving hug. He then proceeds to tell you, “It’s okay son, I forgive you, for you know not what you say. Furthermore,” he says, “ the good book says I should forgive you and love you no matter what.” Okay now snap out of it, of course he doesn’t do that. This is Oginda for Christ sake. The guy who is rumored to have gotten a black belt before joining nursery school (That’s kindergarten to y’all cool kids) , the guy they say carries his dad’s gun around( his dad is in the army btw ). So this is what he actually does, he comes at you, with a look reserved for wounded mother buffaloes trying to defend their kids. He grabs you by the neck and pulls you close. So close that to someone watching from a distance, it might be look like one of those intense moments between Silvia Navarro and Sergio Basanez on Cuando Seas Mia (Yes I used to to watch this show. Look at me with a straight face and tell me you didn’t watch it. Of course you can’t). So close you can hear the blood flowing through his kidneys. And you stand there frozen, any moment now, your bladder will let go of the floodgates.
But just then, Mrs. Mwariri walks into class with a bunch of books and Oginda has no choice but to let you go. It doesn’t matter how many asswhoopings Mrs. Mwariri has handed you in your lifetime. You could kiss her right now. She just saved you from certain death. In your mind , she is the saviour sent to save you from your sins. The promised messiahress (yes, I just made up the word, don’t even ask about it). She, without knowing it, just saved your sorry ass, and in your head, R. Kelly’s “You Saved Me” is playing. Oginda goes walks to his desk, dejected and infuriated. You don’t see it but you can hear him kicking desks as he walks to where he sits. And even when he sits, you are quite sure you can still hear him breathing, even though Mrs. Mwariri is talking at the front. You can hear his brain planning out the karate moves he’ll use on you, or is he deciding to just get over with and use the gun on you? You hate to admit it to yourself, but you know your murder has only been postponed. This is confirmed a few minutes later when you get a pat on the back from Maiko (it’s Mike actually but everyone seems to think Maiko sounds better for some reason). He is your back desk mate. You look behind you, making sure you don’t look up and have to lock eyes with Oginda who sits at the far end. Maiko hands you a note and you look back in front and unfold the piece of paper and right there, sitting in all their upper case glory, are the words “TUNAFUNGA NA WEWE” . You feel your knees go weak even while you are sitted. And you feel your shorts become a little bit damp. You know it is neither water nor sweat that did that. You also know that note wasn’t written by Maiko or any other person thereof that sits between you and Oginda. And you look up, your attempts at keeping a brave face are failing, but you keep trying. Maybe this way Oginda will become petrified and call off his threats. It doesn’t help matters that you remember the school closing day is tomorrow. Mrs. Mwariri is only here to say her last words now that you are all proceeding to class four (well almost all of you, some will repeat classes, and others like you will die before the year ends) .Everyone in class, by now knows that you messed with a class heavyweight champion. Most of them are sympathetic but at the same time can’t wait to attend your asswhooping ceremony.
You have no idea what Mrs. Mwariri is even saying. You have way more pressing issues on your mind. You are trying to strategize on how to graciously take the impending beating. Or how to evade it. But the fear is stopping you from thinking straight. “What if I wait for him to attack and then go for his…” you interrupt yourself midthought , “Nope, dude knows too much karate, that certainly won’t work”. Soon , the teacher is done and you make sure you leave just as she steps out of the door.. you know… just incase Oginda decides he can’t wait until tomorrow. Luckily it’s time to go home and you do just that today. You can’t risk wasting time at the field, it is Oginda’s favorite hangout spot. You love both your dental formula and facial structure too much to be anywhere in his vicinity at this moment. And so you get home, and tell your mum you don’t feel well. Your mum is too smart to fall that crap tomorrow morning, you have to start early enough. She walks up to you, and touches your forehead with the back of her hand (who the fuck sat mums down and told them this is a method for diagnosing illnesses? My mum used this even when I had a broken leg. I swear I am not lying). Then she goes on to ask “Wewe ni mgonjwa wapi?” and you say “Naskia uchungu kwa tumbo na kichwa ” and you make sure to follow it up with a heart-wrenching groan. She doesn’t say anything, she just looks at you straight in the eyes. You look straight back at her, you do not blink. She then holds your hand like she used to when you were a really small kid, and leads you to the house. And you know she fell for it, you nearly laugh but you keep a straight face. You know you have to keep up the act until tomorrow. And since you know your life is at stake here, you do.
Your mum makes your younger brother go collect your report book for you the next day. She says you have to rest up .( She has also made you drink enough water to fill up the seven seas, but you know that is a small price to pay). And you have no problem with resting… how could you? You sit in bed, picturing the look on Oginda’s face once he can’t find you. And you laugh, a sardonic laugh that even Al Pacino couldn’t pull off as perfectly in The Devil’s Advocate.
The next year your dad moves you to a private school. You finally understand why your mum makes you read the bible and pray. It is so that such coincident can occur. But one thing is for sure, you now have a rough idea what kufunga na wewe means.
