I HATE CATS
I hate them with a passion so fierce I’m typing this entire post with my face.
I love my mum. I hate her cat. Every day I lock eyes with this cat and telepathically warn it that one day I’ll get it. I don’t know how, or what I’ll do, but I’ll find a way. I just wish it was smart enough, because I’d keep a loaded gun in an unlocked nightstand, or an entire bottle of rat kill with the lid off under the sink.
But cats are too stupid to kill by being irresponsible. They’ll just ram their stupid faces into your leg until you pet them or find the courage to murder them.
Now , before you go calling the police, know that it’s not in my nature to physically harm an animal. Which just infuriates me even more. If an animal has ever deserved a punch in the face it’s the stupid ****ing cat.
It meows incessantly, sometimes for attention, other times because it wants to be pet or just to utilize the power of it’s raspy, whining voice to make my blood boil. It also keeps me up at night.
Most of the time I can survive on caffeine and loneliness for 24 hours before I so much as sneeze. But other times I get queasy, cranky, and fatigued for the rest of the day. The cat is effectively hurts me. And you know what happens when you hurt me? You get the crap beaten out of you. Unless you’re a cat. Because cats are invincible. I can’t hurt them because I can’t hurt an animal. I can’t torture it psychologically because then it just becomes more annoying. I can’t “accidentally” leave the door open because it’s too stupid to run for freedom.
Cats suck. They’re stupid and if they’re not stupid they just don’t like you. You think they like you because you’re a cat owner and cat owners attribute a whole mess of positive attributes to their cats that don’t exist.
Do some research. Go online and check out why cats behave the way they do. It’s not for the reasons you think, cat lovers.
They hate you.
And for you ladies out there that are single: men aren’t afraid to commit to you. We’re not concerned about marriage and loyalty and being faithful. The ring is an expense we’ve already considered early in our lives. No. It’s your god damn cat. Your whining, idiotic, ball of hate that we fear. We despise. We loathe.
And when a guy says “I love cats” or shows an extra special amount of attention to your cat? Think of a synonym for cats and consider our motivation and you’ve figured out what we’re really after.
I hate cats.
